Even if

Meant to post this last night..........

Still Alive

It's been just over three years since I wrote anything here. In that time I dropped out of school due to depression, began to struggle with my faith because I could not reconcile the numbness of depression with the promise of abundant life we are promised as followers of Christ, took back control of my own life, got a job as a caregiver, got engaged, tried to write a post, started talking to God again (though screaming might be more accurate than talking), got fired, found out my grandpa had cancer, got a new job, got married, went to Mexico, got fired, imagined the best way to suicide, tried to write a post, got hired as an activity aide by a friend, struggled with my first year of marriage, went back to church as I neared rock bottom, started falling apart heath-wise, made new friends, got a few certifications, said goodbye to my grandpa, celebrated my first anniversary, hosted the family for Christmas, got the flu, tried yet again to write a post, took some pictures, started looking for a new job, designed some tattoos , got rear-ended, got an interview, landed myself in the ER because I had been stressed out for so long that I had all the symptoms of a blood clot in my lung (ER doc's prescription: talk to some trees), and finally, got hired to be an activity director at a rehab facility a few weeks ago (the job is great so far, by the way).

That's just the highlights, of course ;-)

I am learning, once again, to be okay with not understanding God's plans in my life, and once again doing my best to surrender and let the Lord direct my paths. It hurts, it's hard, it's sometimes lonely- but I am healthier, happier, and far far more at peace than I was even a month or two ago.

I'm being forced to examine the depth of my faith again. I deal with death on a regular basis in my line of work, but it has never really bothered me. It is a natural part of life, and for those who believe in Christ as messiah, it's just how we get home. There is joy and not sadness in the end of pain and the knowledge that we will see each other again.
Now, for the first time, I will soon be facing the passing of someone I dearly love without the solace of knowing that I will see her again. I was driving home from visiting her at the hospital, thinking about what a beautiful person she is, and it hit me. If I truly believe what the Bible says, as I say I do, When I lose her soon, I will lose her for good.

Let me say that again.  If I truly believe what the Bible says, as I say I do, When I lose her soon, I will lose her for good.

If? IF?

It stopped me cold. I wanted to cry. For the first time I experienced some of the anguish for a lost soul that I've heard described, but never really felt. (Tangible, Physical needs tend to be the ones that tug at my heartstrings.) Was I sheltered, complacent, just numb? I don't know.

And then I thought, so what now? What do I need to do, because there is no way I am letting this wonderful lady go for eternity without a fight!

To be honest, I'm not quite sure where to start, but I'll find a way. I love her that much, and God loves her even more.

It's good to be back. (And I don't just mean here)

Venga Tu Reino