Eyes Wide Open (or Giving up everything for something better)

"The unfamiliar spells danger. It might mean reexamining our faith. It might take us into areas of feeling that can be awkward, or it might disrupt the stasis of our community. The unfamiliar might mean having to cope with a more complex reality than we really want. It might cause us to be critical of where we have been and what we have believed or experienced. It is a danger because it can be alluring, yet i can realign things in ways that may be painful and disorienting. It violates the sense of being in control, safe. It leads to questions, redefinitions, new actions, different relationships." - excerpt from The Dangerous Act of Worship, by Mark Labberton. Emphasis added.

I haven't updated for a month because I've had little to say, and now suddenly there is so much on my heart that I don't really know where to begin or which things to share. I guess I could start with where I am.
As of last Sunday I am living in the North Lawndale neighborhood on the west side of Chicago. The neighborhood is about 94% Black, with about 42% of the population living below the poverty line. This makes it by definition, a ghetto (racially homogenous, at least 40% below the poverty line.). Just south of us, across the railroad tracks, is South Lawndale, better known as La Villita (Little Village). That neighbohood is about 83% Hispanic (predominantly mexican), and is a major gateway for Mexican immigrants coming to the midwest. Nueva Vida, the church I am serving with for the six weeks I am here, is located in this neighborhood.
There is a lot of brokeness here, but already I am seeing the beauty of the community here. The church here is alive and passionate about Christ and being a light in the neighborhood. I'm sorry I only have 5 more weeks here.
We have been helping prepare for the Church day camps in the morning, and then we have been meeting with the local pastors to hear their stories, the histories of the churches and neighborhoods, and to learn about what is going on in their ministries now. These have been some of my favorite times here so far. Several things these men have said have stuck with me, and I thought I would share a few here:

• People think of these areas as such dark places. Of course they are dark, all the lights left! (This was talking about how so many people (including Christians) fled as the racial makeup of the area changed. Following the riots that happened with Martin Luther King Jr.'s death, 75% of the businesses that employed the population here left. Those with the economic ability to leave did. These neighborhood's were once thriving economic centers of Chicago. Even now the 26th street shopping district in La Villita is second only to Michigan Avenue. But there is a long way to go.)
• Because all of us interns are white, the minority group here, we have been asking a lot about what it means to be white in this neighborhood and what relationships between ethnicities have been like in the past. What we heard was both good and bad. Many white people come for a short time and then leave. This creates a little bit of a barrier to building relationships for those of us that have just arrived. Other people come and stay for a long time, but they never fully engage because they cling to the fact that they can leave at any time if things get too tough. Others stay and are committed to the area, but they come in thinking they have all the answers and they run roughshod over the programs already in place and over the culture and structure here. The white people who are really loved here are those who have the option to live anywhere but choose to live here. They are the ones who are a committed part of the community through good and bad, who embrace the culture here (without losing their own) and who come to serve. The most effective ministry happens when we come to local church leaders and ask what we can do to serve them, how we can work under them in order to support the ministries they are already building. The Key to ministry in the city is long-term, humble relationships.
• One of the most valuable and important things you can do for the people here is simply to listen. Take time to hear their stories. (And they happen to be really amazing stories, too)
• Most Christians are good Christians but really lousy neighbors. We're really good at doing all of our stuff at church and being involved there, but when it comes to being involved in our community and investing in the lives of our neighbors, we're really bad at it.
• If the community doesn't want you there (or wouldn't notice if you left), you aren't doing effective ministry.
  

So those are just a few of the things I've learned about life in general, the neighborhood, and the people here. In truth I've probably learned even more about myself and God's calling on my life in the last few days. I put the quote from The Dangerous Act of Worship up at the top for two reasons. One, because it's from a really thought-provoking book I've been reading (and would highlly recommend), and two, because it describes in a nutshell what is happening to me.
I'll be honest. I'm scared. Not about safety, I'm actually pretty safe here. But about where God is calling me. The more I hear about this place, the more my heart breaks for this community. I want to serve these people. And the more I read and pray and listen, the more I am convinced of Jesus's heart for justice.
Anyway, at least for now, God is calling me here. There is a part of me that wants to go screaming back to the Suburbs, to safety, to the easy life. But the other part of me is much stronger. I know I will never be happy there (I never really have been).
Which means that my future is here. Here, where I am making difficult choices now for the kids I will raise here, here where gangs are prevalent and the schools aren't great, where I will forever be out of my element, in the minority. Here, where every day I will have to humble myself and serve under the local leaders. My life will never be easy again. And that knowledge scares the crap out of me. (Don't get me wrong, I'm also really excited. I'm ready to live the abundant life that Jesus offers instead of staying in my half-asleep state. However, I'm just beginning to realize the implications of this choice, so my mind is focused on the scariness.)
What's funny is that even though I'm being given a big chance to walk away, I know what my choice will be. If I were to walk away, I would be lost. I won't know where to go. I gave everything over to Jesus, surrendered all my plans last December. Now I don't want those things that I gave up, so where would I go if I tried to take control now? I've been out of the driver's seat for too long now ever to be able to go back. And in this, to walk away means to turn my back on Jesus, on my faith, to everything I know to be true. Because to walk away I would have to deny that Christ is the Lord of my life. No, I'm not walking away. I'm staying.

As Ashley told me this morning, truly following Christ should not be easy, it should be something we wrestle with. Because following Christ will cost you everything.

What a Waste

I just got back yesterday from an absolutely amazing retreat with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship. It was a great time of fellowship, rest and hearing from God, and I will go into some details in a later post.
What I wanted to talk about now is something that my friend Jeff stumbled upon one day while exploring the camp. He came back after free time so excited about this intriguing place he had discovered and summarily dubbed the toilet wasteland. His description instantly caught my interest, so I grabbed my camera and returned with him and some others the next day.
What I found when we arrived was not only the promised toilets, but an entire junkyard. There was an abandoned RV and a rusted out bus. Old chairs were stacked around the clearing, a few boats could be found here and there, and various other junk littered the ground between piles. In some strange way, it was beautiful, but it also made me sad.
We are such a wasteful people. We buy the newest fanciest things, and when we tire of them or the next best thing comes along, or they just aren't quite as new as we would like, we throw them out. I can't count the number of perfectly usable things I have thrown out over the years. I think what saddened me even more though is that this particular junkyard belonged to a Christian camp. Shouldn't we as Christians be the least wasteful? Shouldn't we be the most concerned about taking good care of the earth that God entrusted to us?
I'm certainly no example of how we should live; I don't even recycle my plastic bottles well. Still, the more I think about it, the more my relationship to stuff weighs on my heart. Think about it; nearly everything we live off of and use in daily life came to us through the exploitation and suffering of other people.
Until recently I have had an excuse; I didn't really know, but now I do.
I know that the T-shirt I'm wearing as I write this was probably made by women in Latin America or Asia who are paid a few cents an hour, women who are often locked in the factory and forced to work hours and hours of overtime with no extra compensation, only to begin the next days work 3 or 4 hours later.
I know that some of the foods I love, like chocolate, arrive at our grocery stores because of human trafficking and exploitation. And despite all the hype about fair trade goods, the prices paid to the growers still aren't fair. They are just a few cents more than anyone else is receiving.
I know that the plastic bags I get every time I go to the store will take hundreds of years to decompose. I know that I am part of the environmental problems. I know that I produce ridiculous amounts of trash every year.
I know that even here in America, hundreds of thousands of people are in need, being abused, hurting, discriminated against, and persecuted, among other things.
I know that our world produces a surplus of food, yet there are still starving people.
I know that we as Christian Americans have more that enough money to provide clean water for every person in the world.
I know that the only person I can change is me.
And because of that I am responsible for changing and doing something about the injustice and wastefulness in my own life, even if I am totally clueless about where to begin.
Despite all the bad things going on, there is still hope. Even in the junkyard at the camp, I found life amongst all the trash. Plants were growing up over the toilets and tender shoots were unfurling from the ground. We are in a world ruled by the Devil himself, but we are also living in the year of the Lord's favor (Luke 4:18-19). We as Christians are standing between this world and God's kingdom, and it is our job to bring as much of that kingdom to this one as possible. We have hope, and hope does not disappoint (Romans 5:3-5). Someday Jesus is going to come back and make it all right. Praise God!

God does not need us.

I should really be doing stats homework right now, but I got to thinking about this.

God does not need me, and he does not need you. To believe that he does is the outcome of extreme arrogance on our part. Do we really think that if we choose not to go where God is calling us that his will will not be fulfilled? If God is truly all-powerful, then even if we hole ourselves up in our rooms and never move from there, His plans will still come to fruition; If we are silent and withdrawn, he will still be glorified.

Luke 19:37-40
When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen:
"Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!"
"Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!"
Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, "Teacher, rebuke your disciples!"
"I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."

We. Are. Not. Needed.

But we are wanted.

The God of heaven and earth, the God who has control over every moment of every day, wants us. He wants to use us to fulfill his purposes. He wants to receive praise from us. He wants to love us. He wants to have a relationship with us.

Now how special does that make you feel?

So go, desired people. Go, loved people. Go, wanted people. Go and glorify God!

A Magnificent Obsession

I've been watching cheesy success-story movies and a lot of videos of really talented people on youtube lately, and they have done nothing for me except leave me semi-depressed. I love watching people who are really good at what they do, but I started to wish that I was that good at something, or that I was passionate enough about something to become that talented. And then my Mom pointed out what I was too movie-blinded to recognize; My something is Jesus.

The one thing in my life that I am willing to sacrifice everything for is Jesus. The one thing that affects every choice I make is Jesus. Just like the people in the movies who want to be dancers and singers and ice skaters, I want to be like Jesus with the very core of my being. And if I really am like the movie characters, I won't stop and I won't give up.

I think Paul said it best:
"I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you." Phillipians 3:12-15

But how often as Christians do we give up? How often do you, like me, forget your passion because it isn't as visible as an athlete's or an artist's? I constantly have to be reminded of what I am working towards. Yet if we only open our eyes, the evidence of Christ and his calling on our lives is all around us. And like every athlete has a good coach, we have other believers to commend and recognize out progress, and to critique us when it is needed.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

We as Christ's church have a calling to be like Jesus. That is our one thing. Will you train with me? Run with me? Are you ready to put everything on the line to follow Christ?

Let this be our prayer, taken from a worship song we sing a lot:

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

Just a little glimpse of God's beauty

I'm slightly obsessed with the magnolia trees outside my window. They're so pretty!

Yay Updates! More of my Random thoughts.

Well, I've been waiting to update until I had something complete to share, but it's been three weeks now and still all I have is a lot of half-formed thoughts, so that's what you're going to get tonight.
I've been thinking a lot about pride and humility lately, which is why I posted the link to 41 evidences of pride the other day. When the topic of humility first started popping up in my book studies and conversations, I didn't think much of it, but I've slowly been realizing just how important it really is, and how much pride I struggle with in my own life. I was surprised to discover how many of my thoughts and actions are motivated by pride. I can count at least 18 different evidences on the list that I struggle with to varying degrees. Take a moment to go through the list yourself (and I'd recommend reading it twice); it can be pretty revealing about your attitudes.
The only way to break myself of these pride issues is to humble myself or be humbled, and I found that a daunting prospect at first. Being humbled is not pleasant. It entails pain, embarrassment, loss, and other things I would rather not experience. But it is necessary. Jesus calls us to be servants, and servanthood requires an attitude of humility. And not only that, but we are called to extreme servanthood. After all, if the God of the universe humbly did the job reserved for the lowest servant in the house, how can we even for an instant think that we don't need to serve those around us? (John 13:1-17)
I haven't got this all figured out, not by a long shot. It's only been a few weeks, after all! But I am trying, and will continue to try to become humble like Jesus. And if you catch me failing, please help me by pointing it out.
I have discovered one place where I am incapable of being proud, and that is in worship. Worship by definition entails placing the Lord above oneself. When we are totally focused on glorifying God, it is impossible to hold an inflated view of ourselves. Because of that, worship also reveals areas of sin in our lives....in my case, pride. But I also believe that it is through worship that I will learn humility.

I am beginning to understand that worship is not just about singing praise songs or thanking God for all the amazing things he has done. Worship is a lifestyle, an attitude. It affects how we choose to spend our time, how we make our decisions......A life of worship means that in every detail of our lives we consciously try to glorify and honor our creator............ Whenever I finally get through the books I'm reading now, I think I'm going to make my next concentrated study a study of worship........

Kindof going along with living a life that glorifies God, I've been doing some thinking about rest. How do we keep the Sabbath in today's busy world? How can we stay engaged and involved and yet still take a day of rest? I'd like to hear your thoughts, so comment! comment! comment!

And speaking of studies, The Heart of Racial Justice chapter we read for this week has me thinking about spiritual warfare. It's real, it's serious, and it's definitely happening here. I see signs of it all around me.
There are two major things that happened to me specifically that I noticed recently. The first is that I think my lack of updates is partially due to this warfare. See, although I can write for my homework without trouble, every time I sit down to blog or fill out leadership forms or do anything that has to do with where God is leading me, I get tired and my brain shuts down. It's like somebody put a big C-clamp on my head and is slowly tightening it. I feel smothered. But when I finally realized that it might just be more than simple exhaustion and gave it up in prayer to God, my mind cleared and I have been able to write. There really is a war going on here.
On the flip side, I feel I have also been protected in this war. It seems that sickness has been an ongoing problem here in Busey-Evans, based on this year and what I've heard about years past. Yet I haven't been sick yet. Not once. Not one little cold. Those of you that know me well know that I am never healthy like this; I'm always sick, and I get colds and have asthma attacks every school year (often resulting in emergency room visits). I am healthy this year to the point where my doctor actually took me OFF my asthma medication. Praise the Lord! :-)
Glad to know that my God is more powerful than my enemies!

Off of random thoughts and on to news though.......

First of all, I got the internship (Chicago Summer in the City Internship) with International Teams (an international missions organization)! I'll be working in one of the poorest neighborhoods in Chicago for six weeks this summer. Four days a week will be spent helping with a vacation Bible school program in one of the churches, and the other three I'll spend getting to know the city, the problems in the area, and the other programs that ITeams has there. I'm really really excited, because this is exactly the area I want to work in when I graduate.
Because I got the internship however, I will not be able to hold a steady job this summer, so I'm looking for babysitting gigs and any other work I can find. If you know anyone who would like to employ me from mid may to mid june and during the beginning of august, please let me know!
Also, I'm trying to build up teams to support me while I'm gone. I need both people to pray for me, the team, and the work we will be doing, and people to support me financially (The whole thing costs about $1600). If you are interested in supporting me in either capacity, let me know and I'll make sure you get a letter with more details soon.

Let's see, thats about it actually. Spring break was pretty good, although I didn't get everything done that I needed to. I did get to see some good friends however. Barak was back from Israel, and it was a lot of fun to hear some of his stories and observations from his time there. I also picked up guitar (and for once was thankful for all the music theory work I had to do as a child), and have been playing pretty much every day since then. I didn't realize I had that much free time! I guess a lot of that used to be facebook time though, so it's not really any more time than I was spending before.

It also snowed a ton the last day of break, and apparently the trees in our yard didn't like it. One lost a huge branch and a couple others split right down the middle! I found it very amusing to leave so much snow on sunday morning and three hours later open the blinds in my dorm room to find the magnolia trees in full bloom.

Dad sent me an email today. He found a verse that explains the foggy future effect of following Christ:
Proverbs 20:24
"A man's steps are directed by the Lord.
How then can anyone understand his own way?"

And one final note; my friend Stephanie gets back from Kolkata, India, in less that 2 weeks. In case you didn't catch my earlier post about it, you should go read her blog! Even if you don't know her, the stories she tells are heartwrenching, eye-opening, and well worth reading.

because I haven't updated in a while.....

.....a new post will be forthcoming when I have time.....meaning spring break, which is next week.

in the meantime, read this, and start thinking about it:

41 Evidences of Pride