Blessings and things I will take home with me.

"To me there is no safer place to be than to be broken in the hand of God" - Jennifer Soderquist

I have talked a lot about the hard things here, the injustice, the brokenness. At first it is very hard to see anything but the painful things here, but that has begun to change. See, it is when we are most broken that we are most able to see God. And it is in the midst of this brokenness that I have experienced the deep love of Christ through his Church.

It has been a great joy to be able to serve the church here, but I am convinced that we have been far more blessed by the people we serve than we have been able to be a blessing to them. Much of that blessing has come from the children who attend the day camp. Let me tell you some stories.

We have one boy in our camp who needs a walker to get around, but he has the best attitude and so much enthusiasm for life. He insists on playing duck duck goose and similar games with the other children, and when he really gets going, I have to work to keep up with him. He has been such a joy for all of us. There was this one day though, that he was getting very tired, and we were getting ready to go to worship. He told his leader that he didn't really want to go; worship was boring. So his leader promised to sit with him and that he would have fun, because it was one of her favorite parts. So we're partway through worship and he's just sitting there, tired out, when the music for the song "Every move I make" comes on. For those of you that don't know it, it goes like this:

Every move I make I make in you,
You make me move, Jesus.
Every breath I take I breathe in you.
Every step I take I take in you,
You are my way Jesus.
Every breath I take I breathe in you.

All of a sudden this young boy gets really excited and tells his leader that he has to stand up. He gets so excited about this song and just sings his little heart out. Watching him praise God enabled us to understand the song in a way we hadn't before. For him, every move he made, he really did make in Christ. Every step he took, he took in the strength of Christ. What an example to us!

And then one of my girls had a lot to teach me about running the race well and not giving up. This little girl would fall down and get right back up and keep on going. Well, one day we were playing capture the flag, and I sent her to get the flag from the other side. The game was disintegrating at this point, but she ran straight to the flag, grabbed it and came back as fast as her little legs would carry her anyway. She didn't stop running until she was finally tackled three quarters of the way into her own side of the field. She bumped her head pretty badly and was crying, but a couple minutes later she was up and running with me to the cabin before worship! If only we had that kind of perseverance.

We also took the kids canoeing one day (which is quite an experience with many kids who are very nervous around so much nature!). One of the other interns had another sweet little girl in her boat that day that was helping her to paddle. They were both working hard for quite a while, with the camper pointing out beautiful things from time to time. Eventually she put down her paddle altogether and just sat to look around. Her leader (the intern) kept paddle and working hard to keep the boat going, until the girl turned around and told her to stop. At first she didn't want to; she felt the need to keep going, to get to the finish quickly. But the little girl continued to push her and told her to rest and enjoy the beauty around them. Her leader realized then that the little girl, who was only 9, was leading her this time, and had a valuable lesson to teach. Children are so good at seeing what we so easily miss. It is no wonder to me that Jesus said "let the children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

The kids bring us all sorts of laughter too, like the little boy who thought that when we sang "We wanna see Jesus lifted high" we were actually singing "we wanna see t-shirts lifted high." It took us a while to figure out why he kept lifting his shirt up so much!
And let me just say that there are few blessings as dear to me as children hugging me and hanging on my arm with a death grip, wanting to sit by me on the bus, slipping their hand into mine, and begging me to come back next year. I am going to miss them all so much. I've been fighting back the tears all day as I said my goodbyes.

The children aren't the only ones who have blessed us though. I have been amazed by the unconditional love we have received from the churches here. We came as short-term servants, and they could have just been nice to us and thanked us and sent us home again, but they welcomed us into their lives and homes. They became our beloved friends.
When the other two Nueva Vida interns went to the church outing and didn't bring any food, they were given more than enough by so many people. (I couldn't go because I was sick, and I was so upset when I heard all their stories!) They drank tons of one family's horchata (a drink made from rice), and the family responded only with joy about sharing it with them. We have been embraced by the community there and invited to join in their activites and watch futbol (soccer) with them. Just today my junior leader's family took us out for tacos and then brought us to their paleteria to show us how they make their ice cream and to give us some for dessert.
They have given us so much, and yet expect nothing in return. We have experienced unconditional love here. To me, that is a glimpse of the Kingdom of God.

And finally, we have been blessed by the teens and young adults in the area. Many of them are wise beyond their years. There is one young man I'll mention who has the ability to see God's hand in everything. To him, a simple trip to by plants for the garden easily becomes a blessing. He was given a good shovel and a free lunch, and then us interns stopped by to say hello and see how his work was coming. He told us then that those three things made his day such a blessed day. And he has this amazing faith that God really is moving and working everyday in our lives. He understands some things that I have yet to learn. And this sunday, when the offering plate was passed, in it sat a carrot; the firstfruits of his garden. I am constantly challenged and encouraged by this young man.

Most amazing to me of all is that even though I have only been here six weeks, I know that I will always be welcomed here. I have made some dear friends and I cannot wait to come back and visit, and, God willing, serve with them some more.

Things I have learned/ will take home with me:

• I love the people here, and I love this city. Yes, we are different from eachother, but those differences make us whole. I have seen a side of God that I never knew before by being here, in relationships with the people in the community. And even though we may all look a little different, ane even though we have different cultures and backgrounds, we're still all pretty much the same, and we're all still part of the same family. These are my brothers and sisters in Christ.
• I have rediscovered my enjoyment of photography. Which of course means I rediscovered my need of a good photo editing program. *cough*photoshopcsforchristmas*cough*
• Christianity is a journey. We don't just work at our faith until we get to some undefined point of being the "perfect" Christian. We will always be learning and growing and stumbling and getting back up again. Our job here is to worship God and live out his kingdom on earth.
• Characteristics of God's Kingdom: Downward mobility, redemption, sacrifice, upside down (last shall be first) , Deep justice (not just service and quick solutions, but dealing with the causes), Authority, counter-cultural, surrender
• You don't have to be able to fix it. Sometimes you just need to walk through it with people. See the post on El Roi
• There are things I have seen and learned and experienced here that I will never be able to explain. Some things you have to see to understand. I will probably offend people by accident. People may think I'm crazy for how my life changes. I have gotten a glimpse of how Jesus must have felt when he taught the crowds time and time again about the kingdom of heaven and they just kept not understanding.
• Rest is necessary. And the weird paradox is that as you take time out of your busy schedule to rest, you will find the time to order your life and get everything done without killing yourself or your relationships. It's ok to say no. Burnout doesn't help anyone.
• I apologize ahead of time, Betsy, because you will probably have a rather weepy Bethany on your hands the next few months as I let the emotional shields come down and I really start processing this summer.
• I know longer know where my life is leading, or even where I will be come January. And I'm really ok with that. As I told the children today when they begged me to come back next summer; I am here this summer because this is where God told me to go. If you want me to come back, you'll have to take it up with him. My life is the Lord's, I will go where he sends me. There's no turning back anymore. I've surrendered my dreams and my plans and now "to live is Christ and to die is gain."
• I have become a coffee drinker. To the point where I need to invest in a coffee maker when I get home.
• It's okay to be uncomfortable.
  
• There's tons more, but I think this is enough for now!
  

7/20/09 Brokenhearted

"The words of Nehemiah son of Hacaliah:
In the month of Kislev in the twentieth year, while I was in the citadel of Susa, Hanani, one of my brothers, came from Judah with some other men, and I questioned them about the Jewish remnant that survived the exile, and also about Jerusalem.
They said to me, "Those who survived the exile and are back in the province are in great trouble and disgrace. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates have been burned with fire." When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven." -Nehemiah 1:1-4

Weep. Weep for the brokenness, for the injustice. Weep for children without adequate schools. Weep for the oppressed. Weep for those who are demeaned for the color of their skin. Weep for the joy of children who have nothing but Christ and the depression of those who have everything but him. Weep for children who have no family but the gangs. Weep for the gangs that destroy their lives and their children's lives. Weep for children who have never known childhood. Weep for young people who have high expectations of being dead or in jail by the time they are my age. Weep for those who have blood on their hands. Weep for the abused. Weep for the abusers. Weep for the addicts. Weep for those who deny their addiction. Weep for the homeless. Weep for those who deny a destitute mother shelter in winter. Weep for the prostitutes. Weep for the hatred and the division by the train tracks. Weep for those who have no hope. Weep for dying neighborhoods. Weep for corruption. Weep for people who try to get their lives together but have to sell drugs to feed their children. Weep for people who have been behind bars most of their life. Weep for the falsely convicted. Weep for the mistrust , the cynicism, the bitterness. Weep for fathers that cannot feed their families no mattter how hard they try. Weep for children who bear children. Weep for youth that see that an education will get them nowhere. Weep for the neighborhood where two of the biggest health problems are starvation and obesity. Weep for the supremisists. Weep for the devaluing of relationships in pursuit of political correctness. Weep for graduates who have no future. Weep for those who cannot see the brokenness. Weep for the 150 gangs in chicago. Weep for the hypocrits. Weep for a church that sends hundreds of teens on mission trips to Mexico but discriminates against Mexicans in it's own community. Weep for the indifference . Weep for the assaulted. Weep for their attackers. Weep for the fear. Weep for the inequality. Weep for the lies. Weep for the lives destroyed. Weep for a church that holds on to its money with an iron fist. Weep for the ignorant. Weep for battles not fought. Weep for the spirits of greed and destruction. Weep for our deafness. Weep for our complacency. Weep for the need right in front of us. Weep for America.

Pictures.

Hey all,
Sorry I haven't updated for a while. I'll post as soon as I get the time to write, but for now here's a few pictures from our field trip yesterday.

Me, Dan, and Adam. We're all volunteers at the summer camp

Me and Katie, another volunteer

Me and Emily. Yet another volunteer :-)

One of our adorable campers.

Campers playing in the fountain at Navy Pier. They really loved the jets of water that shot up out of the ground.

Dan and another of our wonderful campers. They all bring us so much joy!

The staff.

El Roi and Brokenness

Some quick business before I start; I have made two updates to the blog. The first is that I think I figured out why some people couldn't comment, and the problem should be fixed now. So use that comment box, because I love hearing from all of you! Secondly, there is now an RSS feed up for this page, as per request.

Ok, that concludes business. On to the fun stuff.....er, well, the stuff you want to read :-)

El Roi
"Seeing is not easy business. It demands a lot. It can be tiring and sometimes unpleasant. It means carrying in our minds unresolved pain and need. It means abandoning the enclave we might have been hiding in. We won't be able to sleep quite as soundly. The things we thought mattered we will now consider of little or no importance. It's not easy to live as an exile- Jesus said we could depend on that. This is what drives us back, to need to see God afresh, to need to grow in our capacity to 'let the same mind be in [us] that was in Christ Jesus' (Philippians 2:5)." -From The Dangerous Act of Worship

El Roi. The God who sees.
This name for God is only used once in scripture, In Genesis 16. Abraham and Sarah's servant Hagar is pregnant with Abraham's son and has been so horribly abused by Sarah that she has fled into the desert. There she meets an angel of the Lord. The angel acknowledges her hurt and pain and then sends her back. And then she gets to name God. This lowly servant, raped by her master, gets to name the Lord almighty! Time and again it is the poor to whom God reveals himself, it is the poor who understand.
"She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: 'You are the God who sees me,' for she said, 'I have now seen the One who sees me.' " (Genesis 16:13)
The angel of the Lord also tells her to name her son Ishmael, which means God hears.

God doesn't change Hagar's situation though. He sends her back to Abrahan and Sarah. He merely listened to her, saw her pain and acknowledged it. God let Hagar know that she was not invisible, and that was enough for her. God sees. God hears.

Our white American culture is a culture of doing. We don't want to experience pain or problems, we want to jump in and fix them. We are a fighting culture, and we have made many gains because of it. But our way is not God's way.

I am not saying that we should never fight for the side of right and justice, but often our real call is simply to listen. To see. We cannot fix all the problems that plague our world, but we can bear witness to the pain they cause. We can see other people, see their lives, their sorrows, their joys. Often the most effective ministry we can do is to really see. To let people know that they are not invisible.

But to see we have to be vulnerable. Seeing means risking our own pain and our own hurt. It means discovering injustices we never wanted to know about, and finding ourselves partly or wholly responsible. It means setting aside our own opinions and beliefs and not getting defensive. Seeing usually means investing in people's lives, sharing in their struggles, but it can also be as simple as asking the stranger sitting next to you on the El (the elevated train in Chicago) how their day is going. But whatever the scenario, and whatever the personal cost, we must see.

The Brokenness that Brings Healing
Ask me how I am right now, and if I'm being honest, I'll tell you that I'm ripped to pieces. My heart is broken a little more each day for this neighborhood, and I am constantly suppressing my desire to jump in and try and fix everything. It's so much harder to sit and simply be a witness to the injustice here, but I'm learning to accept the discomfort and learning that it's ok to live with hurt. I live in a shattered world.
But I am broken in another way as well. Much of our focus here is on community and systemic problems, but in the midst of that, God has brought my own life, faults, and calling sharply into focus. I have professed all my life to follow Christ, but I am only now beginning to understand what it means. When Jesus called people to follow him, he also called them to leave everything behind and start a new life as his disciple. These men left steady jobs, family, good lives, screwed up lives, wealth, all to follow Christ. Now it's my turn.

But it is far from easy! God keeps asking me to surrender more and more to him and it keeps getting harder and harder because each thing is successively closer to my heart. Each thing is a little more dear to me than the last. Still, I know that for every part of my life I am asked to surrender, the Lord has a more abundant life prepared for me. And I know that I will have to continue surrendering till the day I die, until every bit of me is given over to the Lord.

I'm under no illusions that my life will be easy or happy or comfortable. But I do know that it will be abundant, worthwhile, and full of joy.

I'm having a rough time right now, but that's ok. I am struggling, but that's ok. I don't have to have it all together, I don't have to be perfect. God is redeeming my life. I can rest in his peace.

"Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed- not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence- continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose" (Philippians 2:12-13)

Nothing Profound- Just a song and some disjointed thoughts.

I really love this hymn. It's probably my all-time favorite, actually. It so accurately describes what it means to follow Christ, the tears and the joy. And that story is beginning to be my story- I can claim the first verse as my life now, and the rest as my prayer.

Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken

1. Jesus, I my cross have taken,
All to leave and follow Thee.
Destitute, despised, forsaken,
Thou from hence my all shall be.
Perish every fond ambition,
All I’ve sought or hoped or known.
Yet how rich is my condition!
God and heaven are still my own.

2. Let the world despise and leave me,
They have left my Savior, too.
Human hearts and looks deceive me;
Thou art not, like them, untrue.
O while Thou dost smile upon me,
God of wisdom, love, and might,
Foes may hate and friends disown me,
Show Thy face and all is bright.

3. Man may trouble and distress me,
’Twill but drive me to Thy breast.
Life with trials hard may press me;
Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.
Oh, ’tis not in grief to harm me
While Thy love is left to me;
Oh, ’twere not in joy to charm me,
Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

4. Go, then, earthly fame and treasure,
Come disaster, scorn and pain
In Thy service, pain is pleasure,
With Thy favor, loss is gain
I have called Thee Abba Father,
I have stayed my heart on Thee
Storms may howl, and clouds may gather;
All must work for good to me.

5. Soul, then know thy full salvation
Rise o’er sin and fear and care
Joy to find in every station,
Something still to do or bear.
Think what Spirit dwells within thee,
Think what Father’s smiles are thine,
Think that Jesus died to win thee,
Child of heaven, canst thou repine.

6. Haste thee on from grace to glory,
Armed by faith, and winged by prayer.
Heaven’s eternal days before thee,
God’s own hand shall guide us there.
Soon shall close thy earthly mission,
Soon shall pass thy pilgrim days,
Hope shall change to

glad fruition,
Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

The few days since my last post have been interesting. I am tired and have too much to think about all at once. I can feel myself sliding into some of the same habits and defense mechanisms that made things worse when I was struggling in Costa Rica. The only difference is that here I live in a house full of people who care about me and won't let me fall into them. Today that meant dragging me along on a small trip to the beach just to sit and talk, and it made my day so much better. We had a lot of laughs trying to get Ashley and Noel's dog, Hagrid, there. He wouldn't sit still! And I'm sure passersby got a good laugh about three of us girls kind of squished in the back and the dog up there in front getting the royal treatment!

I am encountering things I hadn't thought about encountering here. Some I don't know why I didn't expect them, others I am blindsided with. One of those issues deals with gender. I never really saw women as being treated much different as men, of being oppressed, etc. I'm beginning to see it now, and i think it's just the tip of the iceberg. Even in my own life. It's not very outright anymore, so much more subtle. Like in the way much of what it means to be a woman is a taboo topic. I don't know, I have no conclusions, just lots to think about and slighty more open eyes.

I said this already, but I'm very tired, and I think I will continue to be for the next four and half weeks. Four and a half weeks; is that really all we have left here? The time is going so fast! And I'm kinda scared to see where I'll be at the end of it. God is breaking my heart for this area, calling me out, teaching me. And that's scary enough on its own, but he's also showing me myself again. I'm seeing my weeknesses, having to confront the things I am struggling with, and finding areas of hurt and pain I didn't really know existed before. Things always seem to get harder before they get better....

Yes, I am tired.

Eyes Wide Open (or Giving up everything for something better)

"The unfamiliar spells danger. It might mean reexamining our faith. It might take us into areas of feeling that can be awkward, or it might disrupt the stasis of our community. The unfamiliar might mean having to cope with a more complex reality than we really want. It might cause us to be critical of where we have been and what we have believed or experienced. It is a danger because it can be alluring, yet i can realign things in ways that may be painful and disorienting. It violates the sense of being in control, safe. It leads to questions, redefinitions, new actions, different relationships." - excerpt from The Dangerous Act of Worship, by Mark Labberton. Emphasis added.

I haven't updated for a month because I've had little to say, and now suddenly there is so much on my heart that I don't really know where to begin or which things to share. I guess I could start with where I am.
As of last Sunday I am living in the North Lawndale neighborhood on the west side of Chicago. The neighborhood is about 94% Black, with about 42% of the population living below the poverty line. This makes it by definition, a ghetto (racially homogenous, at least 40% below the poverty line.). Just south of us, across the railroad tracks, is South Lawndale, better known as La Villita (Little Village). That neighbohood is about 83% Hispanic (predominantly mexican), and is a major gateway for Mexican immigrants coming to the midwest. Nueva Vida, the church I am serving with for the six weeks I am here, is located in this neighborhood.
There is a lot of brokeness here, but already I am seeing the beauty of the community here. The church here is alive and passionate about Christ and being a light in the neighborhood. I'm sorry I only have 5 more weeks here.
We have been helping prepare for the Church day camps in the morning, and then we have been meeting with the local pastors to hear their stories, the histories of the churches and neighborhoods, and to learn about what is going on in their ministries now. These have been some of my favorite times here so far. Several things these men have said have stuck with me, and I thought I would share a few here:

• People think of these areas as such dark places. Of course they are dark, all the lights left! (This was talking about how so many people (including Christians) fled as the racial makeup of the area changed. Following the riots that happened with Martin Luther King Jr.'s death, 75% of the businesses that employed the population here left. Those with the economic ability to leave did. These neighborhood's were once thriving economic centers of Chicago. Even now the 26th street shopping district in La Villita is second only to Michigan Avenue. But there is a long way to go.)
• Because all of us interns are white, the minority group here, we have been asking a lot about what it means to be white in this neighborhood and what relationships between ethnicities have been like in the past. What we heard was both good and bad. Many white people come for a short time and then leave. This creates a little bit of a barrier to building relationships for those of us that have just arrived. Other people come and stay for a long time, but they never fully engage because they cling to the fact that they can leave at any time if things get too tough. Others stay and are committed to the area, but they come in thinking they have all the answers and they run roughshod over the programs already in place and over the culture and structure here. The white people who are really loved here are those who have the option to live anywhere but choose to live here. They are the ones who are a committed part of the community through good and bad, who embrace the culture here (without losing their own) and who come to serve. The most effective ministry happens when we come to local church leaders and ask what we can do to serve them, how we can work under them in order to support the ministries they are already building. The Key to ministry in the city is long-term, humble relationships.
• One of the most valuable and important things you can do for the people here is simply to listen. Take time to hear their stories. (And they happen to be really amazing stories, too)
• Most Christians are good Christians but really lousy neighbors. We're really good at doing all of our stuff at church and being involved there, but when it comes to being involved in our community and investing in the lives of our neighbors, we're really bad at it.
• If the community doesn't want you there (or wouldn't notice if you left), you aren't doing effective ministry.
  

So those are just a few of the things I've learned about life in general, the neighborhood, and the people here. In truth I've probably learned even more about myself and God's calling on my life in the last few days. I put the quote from The Dangerous Act of Worship up at the top for two reasons. One, because it's from a really thought-provoking book I've been reading (and would highlly recommend), and two, because it describes in a nutshell what is happening to me.
I'll be honest. I'm scared. Not about safety, I'm actually pretty safe here. But about where God is calling me. The more I hear about this place, the more my heart breaks for this community. I want to serve these people. And the more I read and pray and listen, the more I am convinced of Jesus's heart for justice.
Anyway, at least for now, God is calling me here. There is a part of me that wants to go screaming back to the Suburbs, to safety, to the easy life. But the other part of me is much stronger. I know I will never be happy there (I never really have been).
Which means that my future is here. Here, where I am making difficult choices now for the kids I will raise here, here where gangs are prevalent and the schools aren't great, where I will forever be out of my element, in the minority. Here, where every day I will have to humble myself and serve under the local leaders. My life will never be easy again. And that knowledge scares the crap out of me. (Don't get me wrong, I'm also really excited. I'm ready to live the abundant life that Jesus offers instead of staying in my half-asleep state. However, I'm just beginning to realize the implications of this choice, so my mind is focused on the scariness.)
What's funny is that even though I'm being given a big chance to walk away, I know what my choice will be. If I were to walk away, I would be lost. I won't know where to go. I gave everything over to Jesus, surrendered all my plans last December. Now I don't want those things that I gave up, so where would I go if I tried to take control now? I've been out of the driver's seat for too long now ever to be able to go back. And in this, to walk away means to turn my back on Jesus, on my faith, to everything I know to be true. Because to walk away I would have to deny that Christ is the Lord of my life. No, I'm not walking away. I'm staying.

As Ashley told me this morning, truly following Christ should not be easy, it should be something we wrestle with. Because following Christ will cost you everything.

What a Waste

I just got back yesterday from an absolutely amazing retreat with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship. It was a great time of fellowship, rest and hearing from God, and I will go into some details in a later post.
What I wanted to talk about now is something that my friend Jeff stumbled upon one day while exploring the camp. He came back after free time so excited about this intriguing place he had discovered and summarily dubbed the toilet wasteland. His description instantly caught my interest, so I grabbed my camera and returned with him and some others the next day.
What I found when we arrived was not only the promised toilets, but an entire junkyard. There was an abandoned RV and a rusted out bus. Old chairs were stacked around the clearing, a few boats could be found here and there, and various other junk littered the ground between piles. In some strange way, it was beautiful, but it also made me sad.
We are such a wasteful people. We buy the newest fanciest things, and when we tire of them or the next best thing comes along, or they just aren't quite as new as we would like, we throw them out. I can't count the number of perfectly usable things I have thrown out over the years. I think what saddened me even more though is that this particular junkyard belonged to a Christian camp. Shouldn't we as Christians be the least wasteful? Shouldn't we be the most concerned about taking good care of the earth that God entrusted to us?
I'm certainly no example of how we should live; I don't even recycle my plastic bottles well. Still, the more I think about it, the more my relationship to stuff weighs on my heart. Think about it; nearly everything we live off of and use in daily life came to us through the exploitation and suffering of other people.
Until recently I have had an excuse; I didn't really know, but now I do.
I know that the T-shirt I'm wearing as I write this was probably made by women in Latin America or Asia who are paid a few cents an hour, women who are often locked in the factory and forced to work hours and hours of overtime with no extra compensation, only to begin the next days work 3 or 4 hours later.
I know that some of the foods I love, like chocolate, arrive at our grocery stores because of human trafficking and exploitation. And despite all the hype about fair trade goods, the prices paid to the growers still aren't fair. They are just a few cents more than anyone else is receiving.
I know that the plastic bags I get every time I go to the store will take hundreds of years to decompose. I know that I am part of the environmental problems. I know that I produce ridiculous amounts of trash every year.
I know that even here in America, hundreds of thousands of people are in need, being abused, hurting, discriminated against, and persecuted, among other things.
I know that our world produces a surplus of food, yet there are still starving people.
I know that we as Christian Americans have more that enough money to provide clean water for every person in the world.
I know that the only person I can change is me.
And because of that I am responsible for changing and doing something about the injustice and wastefulness in my own life, even if I am totally clueless about where to begin.
Despite all the bad things going on, there is still hope. Even in the junkyard at the camp, I found life amongst all the trash. Plants were growing up over the toilets and tender shoots were unfurling from the ground. We are in a world ruled by the Devil himself, but we are also living in the year of the Lord's favor (Luke 4:18-19). We as Christians are standing between this world and God's kingdom, and it is our job to bring as much of that kingdom to this one as possible. We have hope, and hope does not disappoint (Romans 5:3-5). Someday Jesus is going to come back and make it all right. Praise God!

God does not need us.

I should really be doing stats homework right now, but I got to thinking about this.

God does not need me, and he does not need you. To believe that he does is the outcome of extreme arrogance on our part. Do we really think that if we choose not to go where God is calling us that his will will not be fulfilled? If God is truly all-powerful, then even if we hole ourselves up in our rooms and never move from there, His plans will still come to fruition; If we are silent and withdrawn, he will still be glorified.

Luke 19:37-40
When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen:
"Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!"
"Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!"
Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, "Teacher, rebuke your disciples!"
"I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."

We. Are. Not. Needed.

But we are wanted.

The God of heaven and earth, the God who has control over every moment of every day, wants us. He wants to use us to fulfill his purposes. He wants to receive praise from us. He wants to love us. He wants to have a relationship with us.

Now how special does that make you feel?

So go, desired people. Go, loved people. Go, wanted people. Go and glorify God!

A Magnificent Obsession

I've been watching cheesy success-story movies and a lot of videos of really talented people on youtube lately, and they have done nothing for me except leave me semi-depressed. I love watching people who are really good at what they do, but I started to wish that I was that good at something, or that I was passionate enough about something to become that talented. And then my Mom pointed out what I was too movie-blinded to recognize; My something is Jesus.

The one thing in my life that I am willing to sacrifice everything for is Jesus. The one thing that affects every choice I make is Jesus. Just like the people in the movies who want to be dancers and singers and ice skaters, I want to be like Jesus with the very core of my being. And if I really am like the movie characters, I won't stop and I won't give up.

I think Paul said it best:
"I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you." Phillipians 3:12-15

But how often as Christians do we give up? How often do you, like me, forget your passion because it isn't as visible as an athlete's or an artist's? I constantly have to be reminded of what I am working towards. Yet if we only open our eyes, the evidence of Christ and his calling on our lives is all around us. And like every athlete has a good coach, we have other believers to commend and recognize out progress, and to critique us when it is needed.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

We as Christ's church have a calling to be like Jesus. That is our one thing. Will you train with me? Run with me? Are you ready to put everything on the line to follow Christ?

Let this be our prayer, taken from a worship song we sing a lot:

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

Just a little glimpse of God's beauty

I'm slightly obsessed with the magnolia trees outside my window. They're so pretty!

Yay Updates! More of my Random thoughts.

Well, I've been waiting to update until I had something complete to share, but it's been three weeks now and still all I have is a lot of half-formed thoughts, so that's what you're going to get tonight.
I've been thinking a lot about pride and humility lately, which is why I posted the link to 41 evidences of pride the other day. When the topic of humility first started popping up in my book studies and conversations, I didn't think much of it, but I've slowly been realizing just how important it really is, and how much pride I struggle with in my own life. I was surprised to discover how many of my thoughts and actions are motivated by pride. I can count at least 18 different evidences on the list that I struggle with to varying degrees. Take a moment to go through the list yourself (and I'd recommend reading it twice); it can be pretty revealing about your attitudes.
The only way to break myself of these pride issues is to humble myself or be humbled, and I found that a daunting prospect at first. Being humbled is not pleasant. It entails pain, embarrassment, loss, and other things I would rather not experience. But it is necessary. Jesus calls us to be servants, and servanthood requires an attitude of humility. And not only that, but we are called to extreme servanthood. After all, if the God of the universe humbly did the job reserved for the lowest servant in the house, how can we even for an instant think that we don't need to serve those around us? (John 13:1-17)
I haven't got this all figured out, not by a long shot. It's only been a few weeks, after all! But I am trying, and will continue to try to become humble like Jesus. And if you catch me failing, please help me by pointing it out.
I have discovered one place where I am incapable of being proud, and that is in worship. Worship by definition entails placing the Lord above oneself. When we are totally focused on glorifying God, it is impossible to hold an inflated view of ourselves. Because of that, worship also reveals areas of sin in our lives....in my case, pride. But I also believe that it is through worship that I will learn humility.

I am beginning to understand that worship is not just about singing praise songs or thanking God for all the amazing things he has done. Worship is a lifestyle, an attitude. It affects how we choose to spend our time, how we make our decisions......A life of worship means that in every detail of our lives we consciously try to glorify and honor our creator............ Whenever I finally get through the books I'm reading now, I think I'm going to make my next concentrated study a study of worship........

Kindof going along with living a life that glorifies God, I've been doing some thinking about rest. How do we keep the Sabbath in today's busy world? How can we stay engaged and involved and yet still take a day of rest? I'd like to hear your thoughts, so comment! comment! comment!

And speaking of studies, The Heart of Racial Justice chapter we read for this week has me thinking about spiritual warfare. It's real, it's serious, and it's definitely happening here. I see signs of it all around me.
There are two major things that happened to me specifically that I noticed recently. The first is that I think my lack of updates is partially due to this warfare. See, although I can write for my homework without trouble, every time I sit down to blog or fill out leadership forms or do anything that has to do with where God is leading me, I get tired and my brain shuts down. It's like somebody put a big C-clamp on my head and is slowly tightening it. I feel smothered. But when I finally realized that it might just be more than simple exhaustion and gave it up in prayer to God, my mind cleared and I have been able to write. There really is a war going on here.
On the flip side, I feel I have also been protected in this war. It seems that sickness has been an ongoing problem here in Busey-Evans, based on this year and what I've heard about years past. Yet I haven't been sick yet. Not once. Not one little cold. Those of you that know me well know that I am never healthy like this; I'm always sick, and I get colds and have asthma attacks every school year (often resulting in emergency room visits). I am healthy this year to the point where my doctor actually took me OFF my asthma medication. Praise the Lord! :-)
Glad to know that my God is more powerful than my enemies!

Off of random thoughts and on to news though.......

First of all, I got the internship (Chicago Summer in the City Internship) with International Teams (an international missions organization)! I'll be working in one of the poorest neighborhoods in Chicago for six weeks this summer. Four days a week will be spent helping with a vacation Bible school program in one of the churches, and the other three I'll spend getting to know the city, the problems in the area, and the other programs that ITeams has there. I'm really really excited, because this is exactly the area I want to work in when I graduate.
Because I got the internship however, I will not be able to hold a steady job this summer, so I'm looking for babysitting gigs and any other work I can find. If you know anyone who would like to employ me from mid may to mid june and during the beginning of august, please let me know!
Also, I'm trying to build up teams to support me while I'm gone. I need both people to pray for me, the team, and the work we will be doing, and people to support me financially (The whole thing costs about $1600). If you are interested in supporting me in either capacity, let me know and I'll make sure you get a letter with more details soon.

Let's see, thats about it actually. Spring break was pretty good, although I didn't get everything done that I needed to. I did get to see some good friends however. Barak was back from Israel, and it was a lot of fun to hear some of his stories and observations from his time there. I also picked up guitar (and for once was thankful for all the music theory work I had to do as a child), and have been playing pretty much every day since then. I didn't realize I had that much free time! I guess a lot of that used to be facebook time though, so it's not really any more time than I was spending before.

It also snowed a ton the last day of break, and apparently the trees in our yard didn't like it. One lost a huge branch and a couple others split right down the middle! I found it very amusing to leave so much snow on sunday morning and three hours later open the blinds in my dorm room to find the magnolia trees in full bloom.

Dad sent me an email today. He found a verse that explains the foggy future effect of following Christ:
Proverbs 20:24
"A man's steps are directed by the Lord.
How then can anyone understand his own way?"

And one final note; my friend Stephanie gets back from Kolkata, India, in less that 2 weeks. In case you didn't catch my earlier post about it, you should go read her blog! Even if you don't know her, the stories she tells are heartwrenching, eye-opening, and well worth reading.

because I haven't updated in a while.....

.....a new post will be forthcoming when I have time.....meaning spring break, which is next week.

in the meantime, read this, and start thinking about it:

41 Evidences of Pride

Various thoughts and observations from the last few days

My apologies in advance for how long this is. I started it on Monday when it turned out I had no psych class, and I haven't had any more time to work on it until now, thanks to school. So there is probably going to be more here than I originally intended.....


How well do you know the voice of God? Why do we all hear it in such different ways?

This past Thursday was all-campus worship. Yes, it was a lot of fun and I got to spend time with the people I love and got to worship God with them. That was great! But I also realized some things. First of all, the more I am aware of the Lord's presence, the harder it is to stand. I mean physically stand. When I am in the presence of the all-powerful God of the universe, how can I possibly dream of being anywhere but on my knees? I was forced to the ground by just a glimpse of the presence of God in the room.

I've also been thinking about how we hear God since then. The speaker told us about how he hears an audible voice. I've never heard God that way. He tends to speak to me through other people and media sources, and through the way he changes my heart when I'm not looking. I never heard a voice in my head telling me to serve on the city streets, but no matter where I went or what I read or what verses I found, that is the message I heard until I finally said "Ok God, I'll go!" and then the messages promptly changed and moved on to other instructions. I also wasn't planning on going officially into ministry with this. It was going to be my job, my life's work, but ministry? I didn't want to do that! And then one day I found myself talking about how my calling is urban missions and ministry. God changed me from the heart out while I wasn't even watching.

One of the most surprising changes for me is how he is softening my heart day by day. A few years ago I stopped crying, stopped reacting to a lot of things. I would hear bad things and stay totally calm on the outside, whether I wanted to or not. Lately however, I find myself crying again, and not just about things that hurt me, but also for the suffering of others. The Lord is making me vulnerable again. As much as that may open me up to hurt in the future, I am so thankful. Praise be to God!

And now on to other (not so) random thoughts.....

Ok, so I'm sure many of you have read this verse before. It is a classic when we are talking about community. But before you hurriedly scan down the page to the next subject, stop and think about what this actually means....

Acts 2:42-47
"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. The broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."

It's radical. As a Christian, there is nothing I have that I can call "mine." And I'm not just talking about the things we share everyday as a matter of course, like school supplies, jewelry, clothes, books, etc. If I really take time to think about it, I can only conclude that my laptop is not mine either. My teddy bear is not mine. The money saved up for my college education is not mine. My cell phone is not mine.

I had lunch with one of the InterVarsity people from LAR this week and found out that she is short $2000 for paying for school. Several people at the table said they would pray for her but I sat there wondering; Why is that often our only answer to need? The Bible is full of examples of believers providing for one another in concrete and tangible ways. Yes, praying for fulfillment of a need is important, but there are so many of us in IV that coming up with $2000 to help one of our members should not be all that hard.

That said, here is my challenge to you (and to myself!): Live as a Christian community. Don't put it off till we graduate, don't say that it isn't possible here. If anything, the setup of the dorms should make it easier. If you're one of the people that has read Irresistible Revolution, consider the dorms a premade intentional community :-)
Here's some simple things that I think we can and should do:
1) Like the disciples in Acts 2, we should hold everything in common. If you need something, ask. If someone asks you, don't say no. Personally, I think that we're pretty good (but far from perfect) about sharing when asked here in BE, but maybe not so good on the asking portion. Part of having everything in common is that we need to speak up when we need something, otherwise we may never know our friends have just the thing to take care of the problem.
2) The disciples sold their possessions if they needed to in order to fulfill a need in their community. If we know of a need, we shouldn't just sit around hoping that somehow things will work out. Figure out how to take care of it!
3)Be intentional about eating meals with other people. It's no fun eating alone anyway, so make plans with people! Have regular area and inter-area dinners! You get the idea :-) (This is where I left off on Monday, and since then I've had lunch with somebody every day....it's been a blast!)

I'm finally getting a chance to catch my breath this week, at least in regards to the wild rollercoaster God has had me on lately. I feel like I've reached the bottom of the first hill and I'm just about to start going up the next. It couldn't have come at a better time though; I had three midterms this week, the last of which I finished about an hour ago. Therefore I am braindead, or maybe a zombie.

I guess I should probably just post this and call it a night.

I may not be learning anything, but at least I'm getting SOMETHING out of my classes.....

I started drawing in Stats this morning, and by the end of the day, this is what had come out. I clearly have a very convoluted one track mind. Have fun trying to make sense of it!

Note: click on picture to see a bigger version of it.

Here are some links that might help you make a little more sense of what is up there........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEEpavnk7Uw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEzbwcMG9Gc
http://www.newmonasticism.org/12marks.php
http://www.rebaplacefellowship.org/Home
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Settlement_house
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roMgWzXOnvY

Some other useful things:
Nichole Nordeman's song "Fool for You"
1 Corinthians 13:13
Isaiah 40:31
Matthew 28:19-20
Romans 5:3-5

Also, I can't find my Relient K shirt........I think it's at home.........Sad day :-(

The hardest thing in the world.....

.....is to trust in God.

I just keep being stretched further and further in my faith everyday, and it's amazing to watch God's faithfulness every step of the way.

I realized on Friday that I have not been trusting God to handle the problems with the BSW (Bachelor's in Social Work) program. Sure, I say I do, but when it really comes down to it, I wasn't letting go. I was worrying about the future, and miserable about potentially leaving the community here. So I gave it up to God and set about trying my best to trust him. And trusting God is hard work, let me tell you. I started looking at other schools, because I know that social work is where God wants me, but all the time I was hoping that he would work out some way for me to stay. In fact, this resulted in my collapsing into tears last night.

But of course, God is good, and in the end I think all of this really just happened to show me that I wasn't trusting God and to remind me of his faithfulness, because I talked to the head of the MSW program (who is also currently in charge of the BSW program), and I GET TO STAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Does happy dance*

The BSW program IS going to happen my Junior year. They have the money; the Trustees just asked them to slow down the process by one year because of the current budget crunch. The program will already be in candidacy for accreditation when I enroll, and because the former BSW program and the current MSW and PhD programs are accredited, there is no doubt that my years will be retroactively accredited. Also, the program is designed to be completed in a year and a half, so I will not be at all behind schedule for graduation.
Probably the coolest part of all of this is that I will have time to minor in Spanish and study abroad next year, which I hadn't planned on being able to do. And did I mention that the Social Work building is even closer to my dorm than Krannert Center for the Performing Arts (where all my theatre classes were)? Yet again, God's plans are better than my own!

In other news, I missed my first class the last two days, but I needed the time to rest. I was able to actually eat breakfast on Monday and spend some time with God. I opened my Bible to Isaiah, which is not a book I read from very often, but as always, God had something to show me. Here are some of the things that stuck out to me.

I was reading from Isaiah 55-56, and I was incredibly worn out and tired from trying to trust the Lord with all the changes going on in my life right now. The chapter begins like this though:

"Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

Why do I spend so much time worrying about earthly things? Who am I to know where I will go in the future, and what value is a worldly education in light of eternity? Nothing here can satisfy me; only the Lord. It seems to me that this weekend's 30 hour famine is coming at just the right time. I need to refocus on what really matters in this life.

" 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
and neither are your ways my ways,'
declares the Lord.
'As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven, and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
which will not be destroyed.'
This is what the Lord says:
'Maintain justice
and do what is right,
for my salvation is close at hand
and my righteousness will soon be revealed.
Blessed is the man who does this,
the man who holds it fast,
who keeps the Sabbath without desecrating it,
and keeps his hand from doing any evil.' "
(Isaiah 55:8-56:2)

This takes up time, but I don't care.

Changing schools is hard. Really hard. I've just gotten all settled in here, and now I have to uproot myself yet again. You'd think I'd be good at this by now after doing it in Costa Rica and then here, but this has become home for me.
I realized today that it isn't U of I that I'm going to miss. It's a wonderful school, but I will have no problems leaving it. Leaving the community at InterVarsity though, is going to be very very hard. I love those people. There is nothing like being part of a group of people that is totally on fire for God. Everybody there is there because they want to be, and It's amazing to hear about God's calling on so many of their lives. I love these people, and I've only known them a few months.
I have so many ideas and dreams for what next year could be like if I stayed, ways to grow our area from 5 or 6 people into a big group.
But it seems God's plan is taking me away from here.

I'm having trouble trusting him, which feels so funny to say, because I've been trusting him with so much lately, and that's how all this came about. But its true. Now that I'm being asked to give up something dear to me, I'm having trouble trusting that God's plan is better. It reminds me of last night. I was rather reluctant to go swing dancing with my friend Laura, because I have no idea what I'm doing out there on the dance floor, but by the end of the night it was I who didn't want to leave, not Laura. Please pray that I would let go and let God lead!

Right now my biggest question is whether I want to go to a Christian school or not. For curriculum purposes, I'd really like to. I'd like to learn social work from a God-honoring perspective. However, in all other areas I want to attend a non-Christian school. I feel like the small IV community we have here at this big public institution is more alive, more full of joy, more desiring to chase after God than the community at most Christian schools. I could be wrong; mom likes to remind me that I probably am whenever I bring this up, but someone else seconded my opinion today.
I also don't want to lose the opportunity for outreach that I have here. Here we as Christians stand out, we're a light and people wonder what we have, wonder at the peace in our lives. How much can we do that on a Christian campus? Or maybe what I should ask is How much does that actually happen on a Christian campus? I'm scared to fall into a rather spiritually dead zone, where people are really good at following the rules and really good at singing the songs and talking the talk, but miss the point. I know that if it weren't for the time I spent without the proximity of the church, I would still be in that place today. Thank God for the hardships of Costa Rica!
hehe....that reminds me of Romans 5:1-11

¹Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ²through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. ³Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

⁶You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. ⁷Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. ⁸But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

⁹Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! ¹⁰For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! ¹¹Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

I WILL TRUST IN GOD.....no matter how hard it is, no matter how many times I fail at it and have to start over, no matter what strange and unexpected places he takes me.

I WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD......for he is good! His love endures forever!

Well, thats about it.....a quick update on what's going on right now besides the random thoughts in my head:

• Lots of people have been suggesting schools to me. I appreciate that, because then I know at least one person likes the school, but to make things easier for me, please make sure the school is accredited before suggesting it. You can do that here. Go down to the bottom of the page, select what state your school is in, put in baccalaureate for program level, and press search. If your school shows up, it is accredited.
• I have a meeting with the department of social work here on Tuesday. Please pray that I get something useful from it!
• So far I'm looking at Calvin, Anderson, Taylor, Bradley, and Loyola. I haven't gotten through the accredited schools list yet, so I expect this to change. My favorite so far is Loyola, but it is waaaaaaay out of my affordability range. Yet another thing to pray about!
• Three of the IV area groups here are doing 30 hour famine this weekend. Please pray that it goes well. Also, I'm leading one of the prayer times on Saturday, so I would appreciate your prayers for that too.
  

My Friend's Blog - Her Journey into the Fog

So my friend Stephanie is in Kolkata right now, and reading her blog has been really moving for me. You should check it out.

http://pathano-ami.blogspot.com/

New Book Study

My friend Lydia and I are starting a book study on The Heart of Racial Justice by Brenda Salter McNeil and Rick Richardson. We're meeting for lunch tomorrow (or rather, today), but here are some of my thoughts on the chapter so far.

The first chapter addresses whether race is really an issue anymore, which of course, it is, or there wouldn't be any point in writing the rest of the book!

"It is estimated that in the next 20 years white Americans will become a minority in the United States, and most of the nation's population will be Asian and Hispanic."

My first reaction to this is that I'm totally fine with that, but then I get to thinking, what does this really mean for me? For one thing, it means I need to get my rusty Spanish brushed up to fluency, and someday one of the more important things I will do for my kids is make sure they are bilingual or trilingual. But if I get right down to the heart of things, while I am fine with this happening, I am also uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong- I don't think any less of people just because they look different than me. But here when people of other races and ethnicities are hanging out in groups I'm intimidated about saying hello (no matter how badly I want to), like there's an invisible barrier, and I'm painfully aware that I'm an average white American mutt who can trace my lineage back to at least 6 different European countries, none of whose traditions I carry on.
I know this isn't how it's supposed to be. And this isn't how I want to be. I love the diversity here at school. I love talking to people from all over the world (It's only the groups that intimidate me, not individual people)

I need to learn to see the people around me as God sees them. Each and every person is incredibly special.

I'm actually scared to go to a Christian college next year. I dread returning to the bubble that private schools provide, to a student body that is primarily middle class white kids from the suburbs (because few others can afford private schools......so expensive!). I love the diversity here, singing praises to God in so many different languages, worshiping in such a colorful congregation. There is something very special about being a diverse Christian community.

But maybe my fears about the Christian colleges are totally off the mark. That would be nice.

The book mentioned Bosnian ethnic cleansing, and it stopped me cold. I stage managed a show on this last semester, and it will stay with me for a long long time. (If you don't know what happened in Bosnia, go here and here. Be forewarned, it's a very disturbing story) It makes me wonder though, what happens in a man that he can turn around and kill his friend or rape an innocent child? What corrupts us so much that we see those who are different from us as worthless or a threat?

If only we could pinpoint the cause......

"Unfortunately, the Christian church seems woefully inadequate to rouse itself from apathy in the face of these deep-rooted global and social problems...There is tremendous disparity between the vision God has for us and our current social reality, and Christians seem powerless to even begin bridging the gap."

But the rest of the book is about bridging that gap, and I'm excited!

In my opinion, the answer to the problem is love, plain and simple. And I don't mean romantic love or any of that fluffy emotion stuff. I mean down to earth caring about every single person you come across. Even the ones that hate you.

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain; faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

The Backstory

So, God has been doing some crazy-wonderful things in my life lately, and I feel the need to share. So here is a condensed version of the story up till now. For those of you that were following my notes on facebook, this should look awfully familiar.


I wrote this back in November:

Hi, I'm Bethany, and I haven't a clue what to do with my life.

Actually, that's a total lie. I do know what I want to do with my life; I'm just not sure what I should major in to do it.
Don't get me wrong, I love theatre. But I also want to have a life, and that's just not happening. I want to be able to go to InterVarsity, see my friends, sing on the worship team, go to small group, maybe make it to juggling club once in a while. I want to have a chance to swim, and to do some volunteer work. But, I'm in theatre, so I spend nine hours a week in class to earn one credit hour towards my degree......and then go to rehearsal of course.....
I also was making a list the other day of all the electives I want to take.......none of them are in theatre, but they pretty much all deal with people in one way or another. Take a look:

spanish, intro to Islam, geography of international conflicts, geography of developing countries, intro to energy sources, contemporary labor problems, intro to epidemiology, population issues, intro to social work, comparative family organization, contemporary women's issues, Intro to family studies, U.S. racial and ethnic politics, world religions, drug use and abuse, disability in American society, gender race class and work, Muslims in America, race and cultural diversity, comparative politics in developing nations

They're all across the board in the social sciences, but they all have one thing in common for me; somehow or another, they all tie into being able to help people

See, that's all I really want to do. Just help people that no one else cares about. When I was little, Mother Teresa was my hero. Come to think of it, she still is. Not because she did something great, but because she saw the need right where she was and gave her all to meet it.
Aren't we as Christians called to be merciful, compassionate? Aren't we supposed to feed the hungry and take care of the poor among us? And how miserably we have failed! Do you even know who the poor in our community are? How about the poor in our churches? Do I know who is hurting, who needs encouragement, who needs help with something?
Jesus said that the greatest commandment is to love the Lord, but the second is to love our neighbor. I don't know my neighbors, and I'm separated from them only by a single wall. I'm failing miserably at this loving thing.

But I don't want to!

For now, however, I'm sticking with theatre because I don't know what else to do. And maybe God will keep me here and use the skills I'm learning in the future. But if anyone can think of a major that seems to fit what I want to do, let me know. :-)



I wrote these next two last week:

God is Amazing (otherwise known as look what God is doing!)

The short version is that God is completely turning my life upside down. And its awesome.

The long version is this:

Most of you know that I started here at UIUC as a theatre major. I had it all planned out; I was going to get my degree in stage management, maybe live and work the theatre district in London for a couple years, and then I wanted to work for Cirque du Soleil. God had a different plan for me though.

Starting last June, he began to instill a passion in me for helping those in need around me. I saw that in many ways the church is doing more to help those in need in other countries than it is doing to help those in our our communities, and that really saddened me. And then he began to call me to do something about it. I don't know if you've ever experienced it, but God is very very persistent when he wants you to hear something (if it were my mom doing it, I might be tempted to call it nagging). In nearly every book or news article I read, every verse I was given, every song, every sermon, they all were centered around doing God's will, being the authentic church, and serving those around us.
But then school started, and I could have easily gotten caught up in college and forgotten about it. Except that the very first night here I ran into Jenn, who I went to high school with. I didn't even know she went here, and as it turned out, we live in the same dorm. Through her i got hooked into Intervarsity and a church. And do you know what the first few sermons I heard were on? That's right, doing God's will, being the authentic church, and serving those around me.
At this point I started really listening and here's where it led:
1) Last December during finals week, I informed the theatre department that I would be changing majors.
2)I talked to an advisor at the division of general studies, and determined that I would be switching to Social Work. There's a catch however. We don't actually have an undergrad social work program. However, there is one pending provost approval that they hope to have up and running by this fall. Great! But that still leaves everything up in the air, because it could get denied. Not to mention the fact that I doubt it will be an accredited program the first few years. So I don't know if I'll be staying or going or whatnot.... God hasn't told me yet.
3) I've really begun to notice God's provision in my life lately. For one thing, my advisor told me that I would need to take Psych Stats this semester as a prerequisite to switching into social work. Thing is, when I went back to add it into my schedule, the class was full. Since I knew this is where God was leading me, I went ahead and bought the textbook anyway, and prayed that a space would open up. I had basically given up hope, but the night before classes started I checked one more time, and there was a space! Praise God!
For another, I have a new roommate. I liked my old roommate (despite not seeing a whole lot of her), so I wasn't very happy about the idea at first. I needn't have worried. We get along great, and she's even got me singing again :-) (Thanks Katie!)
4) I started looking for internships for the summer, and found one that is perfect, working down in the city with exactly the people I want to work with after I graduate (poor, homeless, marginalized people, anyone in need of help that they aren't getting). Even cooler, I had already decided to apply when I realized that it was the same one my good friend had applied for. So Sam and I might be spending the summer together!
On another note with that, there have been some major technical difficulties with getting the application turned in, and I can't get ahold of people who can help (I've been trying for over a week now, and I'm not getting any responses to my messages, etc.) So I could use some prayer on this.

Thats most of what's going on. It's hard to remember everything when I'm writing. Get me talking to you about it and more will just come spilling out though :-)

My dad and I were talking the other day and he quoted something that made me think. He said that a lot of people think that the more closely you follow God, the clearer your future gets, but in reality, the more closely you follow God, the thicker the fog gets.
I have absolutely no idea where I will be in a couple weeks, let alone this summer an beyond. I could be filling out college applications (ugh), on a spring break missions trip, doing internships, etc. The thing is though, I'm not worried at all. I gave up control of all of this to God, and now I just get to sit back (figuratively, cause it's actually a lot of work) and enjoy the ride.

And I'm having so much fun! (you should try it)



Barely got my note posted and already an update

Well, apparently there will not be an undergrad social work program here until my junior year.

This is problematic for a number of reasons:
1) They still aren't 100% sure that they will have the program in 2010
2) The program will for sure not be accredited right away
3)You have to declare a major by the time you have Junior standing. At the end of this semester I will have 53 credits, and I believe that Junior standing is 60. This could cause problems with transferring two semesters from now when I've earned another 32 credits.

So, there is a good chance that I will have to change schools. But I love it here and don't want to leave, and the idea of doing college applications all over again kinda just makes me want to break down and cry.

I guess what I really wanted to say is, please keep me in your prayers over the next few weeks. I'm going to need them!

On a happier note, I submitted my application today :-)